I received a card during some customer service training seminar or other that I took in the 90's, and for some reason that card has been following me around in my piles of crap for something like 12 years. So today I'm going to transcribe it here and then burn it, so it can no longer haunt me.
(controlling words)
have to
I need (want) you to ...
You need to ...
What's your problem?
I can't/you can't
Would you mind ... ?
I'll try
I'm sorry
It's just a ...
best/worst
but
required / necessary
should / ought to
must
policy
jargon
Are you willing?
Will you?
What have you considered?
What are the options?
Which do you prefer?
What are the alternatives?
How can it be corrected?
How can I help?
What do you want me to do?
Here are some options
I made a mistake
I understand
I understand you concern
I apologize for (specific)
however
will / willing
able
unable
Oh look, there is a little copyright statement. So ... the above is taken from a card copyright 1988 Kaset International, Tampa FL. I didn't write it, except for the opening blurb. I have found that many of these words are to be avoided or used just as described, so it appears that the card is accurate ...
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
O.K., that's enough of that B.S. ... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked THE SHIT out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbours farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you!
When God created Canada
-----------------------
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them".
Seriously .. check it out: http://www.cjhl.org/sites/3333/page.asp?Site=9963&LeagueID=9963&SeasonID=33&DivisionID=29&page=Players&TeamID=49&PlayerID=4052&Section=Home
I wonder what the odds are of there not only being another Brad Lazaruk anywhere, but in Alberta. Only a few hundred kilometres from here.
I have to leave a shout out to my buddy S.D. Rhodes who runs bushleaguefactor.com. I honestly cannot help myself from laughing out loud when reading that site.
The primary point of the site is the review and rating of the logos of various minor league sports teams, from hockey and baseball leagues. But the true gems are in the “Other” section where all bets are off, and all topics are discussed.
I just finished picking myself up off the floor from reading “11-11-11”, a comment on the absurdity of people trying to attach significance to November 11th, 2011. A number of valid points in the post like:
Numerology, for those who don't know, was invented so that even people who believe in astrology would have someone to point and laugh at for being so gullible.
Another of my personal favourites from the site is “My Life of Crime” …
My wife and I have embarked on a life of crime. I was informed of this in no uncertain terms recently by the town government for the town I live in. I received this letter with official letterheard which stated "NOTIFICATION OF VIOLATION". Actually, the words were in mixed case, but I'm trying to convey how bloody huge these letters were. It was in something like 36 point type, using the Courier font, which meant the line looked like it had been written using the Jolly Green Giant's typewriter. I can only imagine trying to type on a typewriter big enough to create letters that size. Have you ever seen cartoons that show an ant or some similar creature typing by jumping from key to key? I picture a man doing that with a typewriter the size of a large desk.
My wife and I have embarked on a life of crime.
I was informed of this in no uncertain terms recently by the town government for the town I live in. I received this letter with official letterheard which stated "NOTIFICATION OF VIOLATION". Actually, the words were in mixed case, but I'm trying to convey how bloody huge these letters were. It was in something like 36 point type, using the Courier font, which meant the line looked like it had been written using the Jolly Green Giant's typewriter. I can only imagine trying to type on a typewriter big enough to create letters that size. Have you ever seen cartoons that show an ant or some similar creature typing by jumping from key to key? I picture a man doing that with a typewriter the size of a large desk.
Check it out, and try not to spit up whatever you’re drinking while you’re reading it.